Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so that wasnt chicken after all
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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