im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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