You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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