I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
