i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
