You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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