508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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