its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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