oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
