In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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