I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize