I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
