If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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