I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
