why didn't you poke me back
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
