Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
