I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My vagina just recognized that song.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
