also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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