I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I want a musical about memes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
