According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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