woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
