Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
sex in a hospital.. check
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
