Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
