Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
