Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
