Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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