she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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