now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
this will be a night to untag.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
