**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
