I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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