Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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