This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize