There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
