I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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