my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
