Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
