nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
