I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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