stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
