ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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