i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
