The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
