dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
