He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize