Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize