Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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