I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
