Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
