Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
