Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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