so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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