i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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