and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
