am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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