yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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