So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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