I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
