i permit you to call me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
